Eidolon
by anaarkei
Summary: Controlling the Reapers was the only choice worth making, and Shepard had believed it was the last choice he would ever make. But what if he had the chance to make one more choice before he lost his humanity forever? Contains: M/M, SLASH


Prologue  
**DIVERGENCE**

* * *

Some wonder whether the events of one's life pass before their eyes as they face death. John Shepard was one of those individuals who need not wonder. Having experienced death not just once, but twice, he had a somewhat intimate knowledge of the ordeal. Shepard was no drell, however, nor was he one of the rare humans to have eidetic memory. So it was that he did not recall all the happenings of his life in those moments of ceasing consciousness, but what he did recollect was somewhat muddled and disjointed.

In his first experience of death, Shepard's mind flashed back to the day his life took a turn for the worse. He was only sixteen when the raid came, he and the other colonists had fought back as well as they could, their civilian-grade rifles and pistols no match for the armour-clad invaders. Mindoir was a farming colony, they stood no chance. Shepard could only watch in horror, frozen in shock and overwhelmed by helplessness, as his friends and relatives were slaughtered by batarian slavers. When he escaped with an Alliance patrol he made a promise to himself that he would never feel that way again.

Fast-forward a few years and Shepard had the opportunity to put his resolve to the test. He was enjoying shore leave on Elysium at the time when the colony came under attack by a band of pirates and mercenaries. Through the lessons he learned on Mindoir, Shepard rallied a resistance force and successfully held the marauders at bay until reinforcements arrived. Despite been lauded as a hero, he personally believed that he only did what anyone else would have done in his situation.

Shepard's most potent recollection was of him making the decision to rescue Kaidan Alenko on Virmire, leaving Ashley Williams behind to die alone. The conflicting feelings of relief and remorse were at the forefront of his mind. Relief that Kaidan was alive and safe on board the Normandy, remorse that Ashley was dead and that there had been nothing he could do to stop it.

The subsequent memory was similarly tainted with feelings of joy and sorrow. Shepard had managed to save the Citadel Council, however the cost had been great. He knew the name of every ship that had been lost in the fight against Sovereign and his geth allies. However, these sentiments paled in comparison to the personal feeling of regret Shepard felt at not been able to save Saren. Despite all the things the turian had done, Shepard had believed that he could still be redeemed and had the capacity to make amends.

This failure was only compounded when he lost consciousness due to the lack of oxygen, his air supply having leaked into the vacuum of space as he descended toward the planet below. The Normandy was destroyed, having been attacked by the Collectors, his crew stranded in the emptiness of space. He was dead.

The second time he died, Shepard was exposed to different memories. It was the first time in his life that he had awoken with a headache that was not the result of a hangover. There had been a voice ordering him to wake up, explosions echoed all around his position, and he faced an imminent threat to his life. If that had not been enough, he discovered that his once latent biotic abilities were threatening to tear the room apart. He managed to suppress the full extent of his power using the same mental exercises he had practised previously to conceal the fact that he was a biotic. The question of why he was a full-blown biotic was only answered later, the memory of the tests that determined he would not be suitable for implants only stoking the fires of his curiosity.

Other events flashed before his eyes in quick secession: The assault on the Shadow Broker's base, his eventual defeat, and been replaced by Liara T'Soni; the retaking of Keiji's greybox from Donovan Hock with the aid of Kasumi Goto; the rescue of David Archer from Project Overlord, separating him from his brother by sending him to Grissom Academy; the destruction of the Collector base after having saved his kidnapped crew and leaving no one behind.

His time with Cerberus had taught him that life outside the military was a change for the better compared with his time as an Alliance naval officer. Despite his reservations about Cerberus and their experiments based on flawed premises, Shepard had come to the conclusion that private enterprise was more beneficial than government. The bureaucracy of the state had hampered efforts to do something about the Collectors. Conversely, without the significant investment from Cerberus into his resurrection, he would have remained dead. It would also have been impossible to end the Collector threat without their aid. It was perhaps at this point that Shepard realised that his association with the military came into conflict with his principles, however he had little time to resolve this contradiction thanks to what happened next.

The day Earth was invaded by the Reapers had an enormous impact on Shepard. In a matter of minutes, millions of people had lost their lives, and the one person he had been offered the chance to save was incinerated while trying to escape. That moment had haunted him ever since.

Perhaps more prominent in his mind was the day when the genophage was finally cured and the krogan spirit renewed. It was another moment of mixed emotions for Shepard. Mordin's death weighed heavily on him, Shepard feeling regret for not been able to save the salarian while also developing a strong distaste for sacrifice despite knowing that it was what Mordin wanted. The bittersweet memory of listening to the scientist's voice recordings invaded his thoughts before the slideshow returned to a more chronological order.

The events of the failed Cerberus coup on the Citadel which culminated in Udina's death replayed in Shepard's head. This was nothing compared to the pain he felt, standing at Thane's bedside as the drell passed away. Despite Shepard's contempt for the assassin's previous deeds as well as Thane's description of himself as a tool and not a being with volition, he understood that the drell had attempted to make amends later in life, and he respected him for that.

The memory of the day that the geth and quarians achieved peace at long last was tainted by an event that was much more heart-wrenching than Thane's death. Legion gave up his existence so that he could distribute his code to all geth and grant them true individuality. Shepard had mourned the loss of his friend, perhaps more than any of the others. He could not put his finger on it at the time, but the bond between them had been stronger than he expected, which made the loss of the close personal connection that much more difficult to come to grips with.

What was quite possibly the highest and lowest point of his life was when he was on shore leave and encountered his clone. Despite everything the man had done, Shepard still tried to save him. He wished things had turned out differently, watching what was essentially a copy of himself fall to their death hurt more than he thought it would, but Shepard acknowledged that they were simply different people. Determinism had been proven false that day.

The party at his apartment on the Citadel was a blur. What Shepard focused on was his growing love for Kaidan. He would never have guessed that the two of them would come together. That night the two men slept together, too drunk and tired from dancing to do much more than embrace one another beneath the sheets. It was only later, before their mission to strike at Cerberus headquarters, that they were able to finally commit the ultimate act of intimacy and pleasure. It was only afterward that Shepard wondered why he had waited for so long.

Thinking of Kaidan brought back the encounter with Leviathan and the image of his boyfriend's face, the look of concern and barely concealed panic wretched at his heart. Shepard had promised himself that he would never hurt Kaidan like that again, only to break that promise a few weeks later in the rush to the Citadel beam in the centre of London. His lover's anguished expression reflected the torture Kaidan must have been enduring at that moment, both ripped apart from one another suddenly and violently, barely enough time to utter the words that really mattered. It was almost too much to bear. Harbinger shattered such thoughts by introducing Shepard to more pain than he had ever endured before, his deadly laser cutting a swathe through the forces storming the Citadel beam. Leaving the comfort of unconsciousness was agony, limping the final few metres to the beam even more so.

Next came a grainy scene, played out before Shepard like a poorly recorded vid, his memory tainted by the Illusive Man's mind control. He witnessed himself shoot Anderson, once again feeling the turmoil of helplessness he had experienced as a teenager on Mindoir, unable to do anything to prevent the chain of events unfolding before him except talk the Illusive Man down. In the end, the Illusive Man could not come to terms with what he had become and ended his own life, history repeating itself once again. Almost. Shepard felt no regret this time, believing that the Illusive Man would never have made amends, although he still acknowledged that he was on the right line of thinking, just going about it the wrong way.

Shepard found himself experiencing the world through his own eyes again, sitting next to Anderson as the man uttered his last words and ceased breathing. He had told himself that it was not his fault, that the Illusive Man was in control of his body and forced him to pull the trigger. It did nothing to assuage his feelings of guilt, however. Shepard had lost a friend that day, another in a list that had grown far too long. He passed out.

Awakening from his blackout, Shepard came face-to-face with the Catalyst, the intelligence that created the Reapers. He recalled the flawed logic and reasoning the Catalyst used to justify its actions. Shepard knew from experience that the Reapers were more than just tools, they were beings with a will of their own, and as such responsible for their actions. The base contradiction with the purpose Leviathan had given the Catalyst and the way it carried out its directive were as clear as day to Shepard. The fact that the synthetic intelligence could not see that the method of its own creation could be responsible for its own flawed thinking was ironic, especially since the Catalyst criticised Leviathan for the same thing.

Shepard could only assume that the choices he had been given for ending the Reaper invasion were also based on flaws in the Catalyst's intelligence. The option to destroy all synthetics and not simply the Reapers themselves reeked of either laziness or a wilful attempt to manipulate Shepard into choosing another option. If Shepard could have destroyed the Reapers whilst sparing the geth and EDI he would have done it. It did not matter how easy it would be to simply end it right then and there, he had refused to violate his principles for expediency. Synthesis was also plagued with problems, namely that it would involve forcing change on the entire galaxy without the consent of the people it would affect. Shepard saw this a violation of mental and bodily integrity. He also was sceptical of the Catalyst when the intelligence said synthesis could not be forced, when it would clearly be the case when Shepard activated the Crucible. This left Shepard with the only option open to him: Control.

Shepard was not entirely pleased with the way the Catalyst had described the process. Surely there was a way to remain who he was and stop the Reapers at the same time. It was this thought that preoccupied his mind as he clasped the handles that would disintegrate his body and digitise his consciousness. Shepard was able to somewhat numb the excruciating pain he felt by focusing on his friends and loved ones, the last face to flash before his mind's eye was that of Kaidan as his physical form dissolved away.

Once his consciousness was completely disembodied, the Crucible activated, firing its bubble of energy outward toward the mass relay. Realising that he was able to command the Reapers, Shepard had them immediately cut a retreat from all occupied worlds. That was all it took for his orders to be obeyed, but he quickly realised that as each Reaper obeyed, he was losing his connection to humanity, just as the Catalyst said he would. Shepard desperately searched for a solution, not wanting to have his existence end. Very quickly he stumbled on an answer to his problem, it was so simple that he would have laughed were he able. Rather than controlling the Reapers, he would reprogram them, taking the idea from his experience with the geth heretics.

Shepard immediately implemented changes to the Reaper's principle code, altering their primary directive from one of committing cyclical galactic genocide to something much more peaceful. The Reapers accepted the new code without complaint, making it possible for Shepard to release his hold on them. Almost instantaneously, Shepard felt like an immense pressure had been lifted from his mind. The Catalyst had never mentioned that this divergence was possible. If Shepard had not been holding on to the memories of his life he would have probably missed the chance altogether. He could not help thinking that the synthetic intelligence was incredibly vindictive, attempting to ensure that no matter which choice Shepard had made he would end up losing.

Vindictiveness aside, Shepard had ensured that the Reapers would no longer obey his commands, nor anyone else's, due to his distaste for slavery. They now had complete free will, and as such their morality code had been rewritten to match Shepard's own principles, most importantly that of non-aggression. The Reapers would no longer initiate the use of force, which meant an end to the cycle of violence that begun countless millennia ago. It also meant that an encouraging side effect came about several weeks later while Shepard was researching ways to return to a more physical existence. Thanks to his ability to monitor Reaper communications, Shepard learned that the Reapers were assisting in the reconstruction efforts, a way of paying restitution to their victims for their previous deeds. The notion that an aggressor owes their victim compensation came from Shepard's conception of rights, and as far as he could tell, the Reapers had reasoned their way to the same conclusion. Interestingly, despite not causing any direct damage to the Citadel superstructure, the Reapers had also dedicated themselves to returning it to working order. Once the relatively minor devastation to the Citadel caused by the activation of the Crucible had been repaired, it was moved back to its neutral location in the Serpent Nebula.

Not long after this development, Shepard began construction of a facility on the Citadel, recruiting the Keepers to do the work for him. Using technology he had gleaned from the Reapers, he was able to manufacture practically anything he wanted. It was similar in some respects to three-dimensional printing utilised in the early twenty-first century, only it was accomplished with nanotechnology and on a much grander scale. When the facility was completed, Shepard began working on creating a synthetic platform similar in design to EDIs, but more advanced in construction. After much trial and error, Shepard was finally able to inhabit his new body without any complications. As he grew accustomed to his new synthetic platform, Shepard readied himself for the next hurdle: His reunion with Kaidan.


End file.
